Dresses Department

There is a very special anniversary this week with friends. The invention of something that has brought happiness and joy to men of all ages. He has graced the covers of magazines and thousands of languages ​​define a-Waggin'pendant 65. Bikini Happy Birthday! I have not worn for years, but I'm a big fan of your sister less attractive, the tankini. Then the friends, especially men, think of all the bikinis that have been smiling over the years and talk a little about women, because we owe you.

Kleber Cordova will soon be held in Morristown, accused of murdering his wife in their bathtub after she told him she was seeing another man. When it passed, reports said he killed her in front of their child, then stripped him, put them in the trunk of his car and told police he found her naked and drowned in the bathtub. About 12 seconds later, police found his wet clothes in his car and he was arrested. That's what I remember when it happened anyway.

Well hello there, Summer. You creeped right up on me so fast this year. One minute I’m pretending to lose weight to get bikini ready, the next minute June Gloom is over with and Summer is flexing it’s huge scorching nuts on me, taunting me to pull out my suits from last year, which the chlorine from my pool ate the ass out of while in hibernation. No, we are not that fancy, we don’t have one of those salt water pools. Good ‘ole chlorine gets the job done at our house. I have my stretched out bikinis which have no matches for tops to bottoms. This happens every year. I start out with matched suits. But then I end up with only half of each suit by the end of summer or even just by the end of a long Sunday Funday in Hermosa Beach.  I know that it’s “in” to mix and match tops and bottoms, but the suits I have do not blush at each other in mating ecstasy when paired with a different match, they won’t even entertain the idea of being put together. They are racist and only want to stick to “their own kind”. Dudes don’t have this issue. Ya’ll just make sure your meatsicles are within the mesh boundaries of your inner lining and you’re good to go. Dudes don’t have to worry about finding that the mesh is going to roll up and expose one ball when they do a maniacal dive off the diving board. You just have to rinse the chlorine out, and you can wear those ridiculously printed board shorts for years. This is one of the only pieces of clothing straight men wear, where they can have like purple hyacinths or red sunflowers on them and not be called gay. Hawaiian shirts have long ago been tossed into the “theme party” category. Tankinis freak me out though. Why are we wearing a suit that has a full tank top and shows an inch of belly? Why do you want to show that one inch? Is that to tease all the men at the pool, like “heyyy, don’t you wish you could see more than this inch of tummy!” “What could be below and above this tanky fabric! It’s a mystery, therefore enticing your manly brutish instincts!” I feel like the tankini is the American woman’s version of the burka. The tankini wearer will just show you a little tease of skin, but any more than that, OFF WITH YOUR HEAD! As you know, I live with the family I nanny part-time for. I guess it is more of a 2 hour a day, make sure you’re alive and make it to soccer practice somewhat barely on time, type of deal.  Oh, you didn’t know that? Well, you would if you had read about The Little Jerk a few months ago. Anyway, the middle kid, Ms. Alli, had friends over today and her friend Lucy, who has a head of this amazing curly brown hair, asked what a tankini was, and then looked blindly into the distance and said sadly, “Oh… My mom wears one of those…” trailing off in what I have decided was embarrassment and sadness. Models wearing tankinis in catalogues make them look great which is a HORRIBLE LIE. They do NOT look like that on.  In reality, tankinis roll up and try to eat your food right out of your hands. They have even more of a hassle of taking off than one pieces or bikinis because there is more top material. When it is wet you have to worry about two donuts that each cold, damp swimsuit piece becomes instead of just one.  The smelly chlorine donut. But not the tankini. It is like wearing a wet tanky with no bra on. Everything just hangs there. What could be epic cleavage ends up being a long line that looks like an unopened hotdog bun. Do you really want hotdog bun cleavage?! Is this what we’ve come down to?

Read more...